Pandemonium {in my head}

Have you read "Delirium" by Lauren Oliver? Let's assume that's a rhetorical question. Of course you have! It was one of my top 5 favorite reads of 2011.

Well, dear dear friend Abbi won an ARC of the sequel, "Pandemonium," and the blessed girl decided to lend me this treasure. I received it on Thursday and finished it early this morning before work. I sort of numbed myself out right away so that I could make it through work without going out of my mind.

But I thawed out on my drive home tonight.

{SPOILER FREE}

I was on the highway and all of a sudden I found myself playing through the events of the sequel in my head. Then I was shaking a fist and screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!"

These are real things, guys. I really do this. I probably woke my roommate up this morning, in fact, with my frantic prayers and exclamations in the last 50 or so pages. I am not a quiet reader. I am vocal.

The thing is, what happened in the end was exactly EXACTLY what I always thought would happen. It was not a surprise in any way but I still felt sucker-punched. And that's not a spoiler because none of you know what I thought would happen, ok?!

I found the sequel to be predictable, but not in a bad way. Maybe that sounds confusing, but what I mean is that I don't think predictable has to be a bad thing if a book is very well written. And I think this series by Lauren Oliver is very well written. So although most of the major plot twists were things that I had expected long before Lena figured them out, I wasn't terribly bothered because I think the prose are wonderful. Yes, sometimes I was annoyed with Lena for not figuring out what was so obvious sooner, but I was never mad at Lauren Oliver for writing a book that was easy for me to "solve."

This next part I invite you to come back and read after you get your copy on February 28th. I will seriously need someone to work through all this with me.

Now for some

********SPOILERS*******

because I have nobody to discuss this exquisite torture with and it's killing me:

So I know one of the main issues this book will bring about is the question of Alex or Julian. YA always seems to force us to chose a boy and a ship to give our loyalty to. But for once the answer isn't clear to me. I am having more difficulty sorting out my feelings with these books than most others. And I think I know why. It's hard--for me at least--to choose a favorite between Alex and Julian because I think my feelings for them really have very little to do with them but more-so they have to do with Lena. Lena has a very different relationship with each of them and not just because every relationship in life is different but because LENA is very different. By the time she meets Julian she is a very different person than she was when she was with Alex. In a way, Lena is the Alex to Julian's Lena. So when I consider Alex or Julian, I'm really considering which Lena I prefer. Do I like the naive Lena who was just awakening to a whole new world of possibilities, smitten by her first love, drunk on Alex's words and ideas and presence and ready to sacrifice herself to the greater joy of love? Or do I prefer a Lena with fire and strength and fierceness who doesn't need to be saved, but can save instead, who advocates for what she thinks is right, uses her voice to pull others into her world? Lena has gone from fulfilling the passive role to the active. She is emerging throughout "Delirium" and redefining her world but she is still somewhat being directed: Alex teaches her and opens her eyes and she floats along in a happy cloud of deliria, which he has given her. Lena in "Pandemonium" is the one teaching, sharing, rebelling, advocating and giving the deliria to the next person. The active thing she does in both books is love, and powerfully. So for now I have reserved my judgement on Alex or Julian. It's all still too much for me.

I think beyond the fact that there are now two competing relationships for my brain to try to process and choose between, the end really hurts because of the anger. Alex is suddenly there and he seems so bitter--and I don't understand it because as far as we know he has just shown up in their group. So as far as I can imagine he's been fighting to survive for months with the idea that Lena is out there waiting for him...I don't see how he could've known before 24 hours or so ago when he arrived that she had sort of moved on. So why does he seem to be so hardened and bitter so fast? I would've thought his reaction would've been more shocked and hurt. I guess something about his cruel "don't believe her" struck me as wrong. What do you know about it yet, Alex? It hurts me that he is hurt and feels betrayed. It hurts me that I know this is going to KILL Lena because everything she has dreamed of for months is coming true and yet she's crossed a different bridge now, maybe at the cost of burning her bridge with Alex. I just hurt for them all. And I don't want sad, mean, bitter Alex.

I don't even know how "Requiem" will resolve this.

Oh, and from the second a woman grabbed Lena at Salvage I was all "Mother Haloway!" It baffled me that it took Lena so long to catch on...I didn't even need a cheat code!

The End.

Tulips on the table

The thing with this unhappiness is that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe or like I might vomit; like my body is rejecting something. Sometimes I get irrationally angry at people I love because I just want someone to understand what I'm not saying even though it's not their job mind read. And my subconscious dregs up all the past events where I've felt wronged and I lie awake at night battling insomnia and writing letters in my head that I'll never send telling all those who've hurt me what they did to me. It's not a productive exercise, but I don't mean to do it.

But sometimes the good moments take my breath away too. Because it's like "oh, right, there's this in the world." Those are wonderful moments.

I really appreciate the outpouring of support and stories you all shared with me after my last post. It was encouraging to know some of you are out there and you understand, whether you're living it, lived it, or just love me and want to help. This past week actually continued to be a really rough one with a lot of moments of that stupid angry loneliness, but there was also a great deal of good too.

On Wednesday flowers showed up for ME. At WORK. I teared up right there at the front desk. One of my dearest friends Marci sent a bouquet with the note "I remembered number two on your bucket list." (Do you know what number two is?)

I got home to a package from my bestie sister who had bought me this shirt just because it's me and she had to. Don't you love presents for no reason at all?

There were warm emails from friends and really amazing angles of light on the mountains and unseasonably Spring-like weather to carry me through.

I've been drinking hot chocolate with chili powder per "Chocolat" and loving it quite a bit.

I spent a lot of time wishing it was February 10th. Because I want to see "The Vow" and I'm not afraid to admit it.

I read "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. Everyone will tell you this book is heart-breaking and that you should read it. Everyone is right on both accounts. Read it. Be heartbroken.

Today, I continued my weekly recipe project with the help of my bestie roommate J. Gibbs. It was a fun change cooking together. Everything smelled like heaven--and tasted even better. We prepared Burgundy mushrooms and mashed potatoes via the cookbook and then sautéed some asparagus in addition. I have actually never been a fan of mashed potatoes...but I want to bathe in these. I think the key is the cream cheese. I will never go back.

Tomorrow instead of taking my day off I am working for a co-worker who is sick. I don't mind doing it but I can't help but feel that I'm getting undeserved bad karma since it's going to snow and I will have to drive in it--my least favorite thing maybe in the world. Don't I deserve good weather brownie points for working on my day off?

Oh well.

Let's see what this week brings.

Unhappy.

I'm sure it will take no one by surprise if I tell you that I have been very unhappy for quite a while.

I never blog, because I have nothing to say. If I do blog, it's probably about my sister's family because they are one of the few pure joys in my life. I live my life vicariously. I worry it will always be that way. But my own life? There is nothing in it. I work, I come home, I spent 90% of my free time alone. At work I try to pretend it's all on purpose; "what did I do last night? Oh you know I was so tired so I really just wanted to hang out at home...yes, just like the other 6 nights before that. I just LOVE some quality me time." I've never felt that I have much worth as a blogger to begin with (because where is the real interest in a blogger unless she has a fabulous boyfriend/husband, great style and maybe a baby for arm candy?) but I feel particularly worthless now that I can't even pretend to have an interesting life.

Funny that I've decided to blog this.

But I'm not sure if or when I will blog again, so I just wanted to tell you, vague old maybe non-existent you, what's up.

I hate the myth of happiness. I know it's wrong for me to sit around moping about being unhappy and trying to find happiness in fleeting things. I once heard a wonderful sermon in church about how we should be seeking joy, not happiness. Because joy is something we can have even when we are unhappy. Joy is a hope and a faith in the Lord and his goodness that sees us through. We can rejoice in the Lord even when we are low. Happiness is often trivial. We say "Today I ate cake and I'm happy," or "we had a great night at the movies and now I'm happy" or "work was long today so I'm unhappy" etc. I think the continual state of happiness is actually joy and joy can exist whether you're happy or not. Happiness itself is easy come easy go.

So see basically I am lecturing myself because although I know that is true...I am looking for happiness right now. I am looking for joy, too. But right now I just want to not spend 90% of my time answering the question "how do you feel right now?" with "unhappy."

The thing is, whatever unhappiness I am feeling and for whatever reasons feels compounded by the society we live in and the standards that media (blogs, movies, tv) and even friends & family (possibly unwittingly) set for people my age. I am already unhappy and then on top of that I feel doubly unhappy because the world tells me I am doing my twenties wrong. At 23 I am supposed to be surrounded by friends, enjoying girl's nights or dinner parties or other constant social gatherings. I should be dating or have a hunky boyfriend. I should maybe be getting married--I should maybe already be married. I should possibly have a baby! I should be enjoying many social activities, clubs, groups, etc. I should be busy with a career or school and frantically balancing my busy social life with my work/school calendar. I should be exhausted, but invigorated by my perfect young life.

I bet a bunch of you would rush to encourage me here that that's not reality! Most people don't actually have that! Or those that do aren't even half as happy as they pretend! Maybe that's true, but all I know is the world around me actively seeks to uphold the lie. Never will you read a popular blog filled with a girl spending lonely friendless loveless nights eating bars of chocolate on the couch watching "Degrassi" re-runs. Never will you find a youth-geared sitcom or reality show about not going out and living "the life" in your twenties. The characters, and I often consider bloggers practically to be characters and reality actors CERTAINLY are, around us are out there doing and dating and living.

I don't feel like I'm living, not my own life at least.

I don't love my life right now. I don't love not having friends (in the same city/State as me), not having any social life at all or the ability to find one (work schedule) and I don't love being consistently ignored for 23 years by the opposite sex. But I really really hate that when I go on the internet or watch tv I just feel worse about the things I already feel bad about because everything around me says "yeah, this life you're living? you're doing it wrong."

I know, ok? I know.

And I'm tired of the fantasy that there will be a magic fix. I spent too long going "it'll just be this way til..." fill in the blank. Til I graduate. Til I move to Spain. Til I move home. THEN...then I'll have friends, have a boyfriend, have a life. It'd be easy for me to put all my misguided faith into Graduate School, now. "..Til I go to Grad school!" But I'm tired of setting myself up for a let down when that next thing never pans out. I'll be overjoyed if Graduate school, or even before then, is a better more fulfilling time in my life. But I'm not counting on it.

I know what comes next. I know I have to do all that "growing" where you realize that happiness (joy!) can be found in so many little things. But see, I resent that right now because I already KNOW that. If you only knew the things I make myself feel overjoyed about just as a way to hold on...you'd be impressed. I actually have the ability to turn cleaning the kitchen to a great Pandora mix into a source of joy for an entire day. But I'm just so so so tired of having to stretch my imagination to cheer myself up. "No, you REALLY WANT to be alone again tonight....now you can do some extra reading and go to be early."

Tonight: I bought myself expensive chocolates which I will pair with rich hot cocoa while I curl up and watch "Chocolat" in my bed. I will reminisce about my best friend and the trip we took to Switzerland and how we bought delicious Suisse chocolates and went back to the hostel early and all crowded onto one bunk to watch "Chocolat" on Katherine's tiny macbook. It was perfection. I'll pretend tonight is too. And maybe it will be.

And there it is, me being very very (probably too) honest. This is my life right now.

Then.

Remember this?

How I recognized how I ache for things once there over even when I can't appreciate them at the time?

I'm there.

Tonight I'm dreaming of hilltops in Bilbao. Dancing on rooftops. Leisurely comidas with my family. Long afternoons of tapas and wine on the Matallana in Puente Genil. Laughing with my roommate.

Right now it would be warm in my pueblo. (It would also be 6 am.)

Oh to be able to apparate home.

Non-Resolutions

{This photo is not filtered or touched whatsoever...this was the actual sky the other night and it blew my mind. The light was purplish/pink. It looks like someone painted the snow.}

I've always said "I don't do resolutions," but that's not strictly true. Subconsciously, I make resolutions all the time. They come in the form of goal lists, idle dreams about who I want to be tomorrow, reaffirmations of things I forgot I wanted in my life. I'm constantly reawakening to myself.

The New Year holds a lustre because it gives us a solid point to cling to and say "this is where it changes"; we as humans need that. I used to count on the new school year to be my turning point--that was more of a "New Year" to me than January 1st. I would jot down notes to myself of how I was going to be totally different this grade...things like how I would dress, how I would act, what I would eat. Those things were so silly and they never took because they weren't who I was. I couldn't casually start speaking or dressing or acting in a way that wasn't me just because I thought it was how I should be. Those things are just the trappings, the dressings of our physical person, but it's not real-it's not who we are.

The past few years I "haven't done resolutions" because "I don't do them"...but I do make yearly Bucket Lists now, and that I really enjoy. Last year I did it in the form of a "23 before 2012" to incorporate my age and the year. I didn't get them all done, but the funny things was that I forgot to look at the list after about April and yet I was still able to cross off so many things.

I don't like the idea in general of resolutions because I've always noticed that the trend is for people to bite off more than they can chew and then inevitably fail, or feel that they've failed. I don't think we should set ourself up for failure. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to have goals--we should set them our whole lives and strive to reach them. But I don't think we should look at a date on a calendar and place all sorts of heavy expectations on ourselves based on it. With my lists I like to mix serious and difficult with simple and good. Some of the items on my lists may seem silly, but they are actually all things that I don't do or want to do more of or have never done, so although they may be easily attained, they are still new and fun for me--thus I can do something new and interesting in my new year while still maintaining a feeling of being successful.

{Last Year's List:}

{23 in 2011}

1. Learn how to knit booties or a hat. Knit said booties or hat for my nephew.
2. Paint a picture.
3. Spend more time doing good deeds for strangers.
4. Spend more time doing good deeds for friends and family.
5. Have a job in the U.S.A.
6. Find a church to attend.
7. Visit Cristina in NYC.
8. Go to Rhodes for homecoming.
9. West Coast road trip.
10. Reunion with my Salzburg girls.
11. Take a dance class.
12. Go on a date.
13. Read 23 books (or more)
14. Become a regular somewhere.
15. Find a volunteer effort to join.
16. Get better at sending mail!
17. Write a poem.
18. Keep a daily gratitude journal.
19. Write something I like and let someone I love read it.
20. Move into my own apartment in the U.S.
21. Photo shoot on top of Pike’s Peak.
22. Meditate on a mountain hike.
23. Pick a cookbook and fix every recipe.

*I didn't cross off 3&4 because I don't think those are acts that are ever finished.

My Bucket List for this year isn't complete yet, but I do have a few things in mind. I'm not aiming for 24 this year, I'm just adding things that I've wanted to do but need a little extra incentive for. Lists are ALWAYS incentive for me because I love checking things off.

I've already started on my list.

{2012}

1. Cook every recipe in a cook book

I love to cook. It actually really calms me and makes me instantly happy. I've noticed it's a sort of therapy for me. One night when I was super unhappy, I started to cook and I got lost in the process. The chopping, stirring, melting; the delicious smells and sneaking tastes.

This is not the Julie/Julia project. Again, I don't believe that happiness results from biting off more than one can chew and for me a book with 500+ recipes and techniques too far beyond my skill level would probably just conquer me. It would never get done and then I'd have to count that as a failure.

Instead, I picked "The Pioneer Woman Cooks" by Ree Drummond.

I've never actually read her blog, but her book fit my goal for a few reasons:

-It has only 64 recipes; So I can plan to cook on average once a week and easily get this done

-I actually want to eat 95% of the recipes

-The ingredients generally don't look hard to find or too expensive

-The recipes will at times challenge me but not so much that I feel overwhelmed and don't try

I did 2 recipes today: a breakfast dish and then Sherried Tomato Soup tonight. Oh my gosh, delicious. I just have to say it: Alcohol is a GREAT addition to most dishes. I seriously love the flavor it adds. This is up there with Cabernet sauce.

Yum!

Some more thoughts for my 2012 Bucket List:

2.) Keep fresh flowers

{My sister got me this gorgeous vase for Christmas. I am obsessed with it.}

3.) 365 Day Bible reading plan

4.) Less photos, more appreciation (this is hard for my blogger-programmed brain, but I feel that we often focus too much on capturing a moment on film and forget to just savor it.)

5.) See The Hunger Games with Lauren, Abbi and Marci in Arizona at midnight

6.) Take a Colorado day trip

7.) Have a tea party

This is as far as I've gotten so far.

Do you have any ideas for fun additions to my list?

Happy 2012, everyone. I hope all your reasonable and wild dreams come true. But mostly, I hope you learn something.