Unhappy.

I'm sure it will take no one by surprise if I tell you that I have been very unhappy for quite a while.

I never blog, because I have nothing to say. If I do blog, it's probably about my sister's family because they are one of the few pure joys in my life. I live my life vicariously. I worry it will always be that way. But my own life? There is nothing in it. I work, I come home, I spent 90% of my free time alone. At work I try to pretend it's all on purpose; "what did I do last night? Oh you know I was so tired so I really just wanted to hang out at home...yes, just like the other 6 nights before that. I just LOVE some quality me time." I've never felt that I have much worth as a blogger to begin with (because where is the real interest in a blogger unless she has a fabulous boyfriend/husband, great style and maybe a baby for arm candy?) but I feel particularly worthless now that I can't even pretend to have an interesting life.

Funny that I've decided to blog this.

But I'm not sure if or when I will blog again, so I just wanted to tell you, vague old maybe non-existent you, what's up.

I hate the myth of happiness. I know it's wrong for me to sit around moping about being unhappy and trying to find happiness in fleeting things. I once heard a wonderful sermon in church about how we should be seeking joy, not happiness. Because joy is something we can have even when we are unhappy. Joy is a hope and a faith in the Lord and his goodness that sees us through. We can rejoice in the Lord even when we are low. Happiness is often trivial. We say "Today I ate cake and I'm happy," or "we had a great night at the movies and now I'm happy" or "work was long today so I'm unhappy" etc. I think the continual state of happiness is actually joy and joy can exist whether you're happy or not. Happiness itself is easy come easy go.

So see basically I am lecturing myself because although I know that is true...I am looking for happiness right now. I am looking for joy, too. But right now I just want to not spend 90% of my time answering the question "how do you feel right now?" with "unhappy."

The thing is, whatever unhappiness I am feeling and for whatever reasons feels compounded by the society we live in and the standards that media (blogs, movies, tv) and even friends & family (possibly unwittingly) set for people my age. I am already unhappy and then on top of that I feel doubly unhappy because the world tells me I am doing my twenties wrong. At 23 I am supposed to be surrounded by friends, enjoying girl's nights or dinner parties or other constant social gatherings. I should be dating or have a hunky boyfriend. I should maybe be getting married--I should maybe already be married. I should possibly have a baby! I should be enjoying many social activities, clubs, groups, etc. I should be busy with a career or school and frantically balancing my busy social life with my work/school calendar. I should be exhausted, but invigorated by my perfect young life.

I bet a bunch of you would rush to encourage me here that that's not reality! Most people don't actually have that! Or those that do aren't even half as happy as they pretend! Maybe that's true, but all I know is the world around me actively seeks to uphold the lie. Never will you read a popular blog filled with a girl spending lonely friendless loveless nights eating bars of chocolate on the couch watching "Degrassi" re-runs. Never will you find a youth-geared sitcom or reality show about not going out and living "the life" in your twenties. The characters, and I often consider bloggers practically to be characters and reality actors CERTAINLY are, around us are out there doing and dating and living.

I don't feel like I'm living, not my own life at least.

I don't love my life right now. I don't love not having friends (in the same city/State as me), not having any social life at all or the ability to find one (work schedule) and I don't love being consistently ignored for 23 years by the opposite sex. But I really really hate that when I go on the internet or watch tv I just feel worse about the things I already feel bad about because everything around me says "yeah, this life you're living? you're doing it wrong."

I know, ok? I know.

And I'm tired of the fantasy that there will be a magic fix. I spent too long going "it'll just be this way til..." fill in the blank. Til I graduate. Til I move to Spain. Til I move home. THEN...then I'll have friends, have a boyfriend, have a life. It'd be easy for me to put all my misguided faith into Graduate School, now. "..Til I go to Grad school!" But I'm tired of setting myself up for a let down when that next thing never pans out. I'll be overjoyed if Graduate school, or even before then, is a better more fulfilling time in my life. But I'm not counting on it.

I know what comes next. I know I have to do all that "growing" where you realize that happiness (joy!) can be found in so many little things. But see, I resent that right now because I already KNOW that. If you only knew the things I make myself feel overjoyed about just as a way to hold on...you'd be impressed. I actually have the ability to turn cleaning the kitchen to a great Pandora mix into a source of joy for an entire day. But I'm just so so so tired of having to stretch my imagination to cheer myself up. "No, you REALLY WANT to be alone again tonight....now you can do some extra reading and go to be early."

Tonight: I bought myself expensive chocolates which I will pair with rich hot cocoa while I curl up and watch "Chocolat" in my bed. I will reminisce about my best friend and the trip we took to Switzerland and how we bought delicious Suisse chocolates and went back to the hostel early and all crowded onto one bunk to watch "Chocolat" on Katherine's tiny macbook. It was perfection. I'll pretend tonight is too. And maybe it will be.

And there it is, me being very very (probably too) honest. This is my life right now.