It's just been Mom, Dad & I this year and I've enjoyed this quiet, relaxing version of a usually fun but overwhelming holiday. I stayed in my pjs late. Food prep was minimal as we ordered a smoked turkey this year--a delicious choice. We stuffed ourselves and drank wine and told stories around the table. We even got to Skype with my sister, brother-in-law and nephew for a bit while eating! We took a walk, watched one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes ("The Girl Who Waited"), ate Pumpkin pie, and watched cheesy Lifetime Christmas movies. And yet, mid-afternoon, during the typically peaceful post-turkey coma, I found myself sinking into my own melancholy and worry.
Lately my life feels like a balancing act on unsteady ground. Like trying to stand in a rushing river stream with nothing to grab onto for purchase. I'm having some intense growing pains trying to prepare for my move to Boston and I'm trying to handle them with grace, but often I fail.
What it comes down to is that I have so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving--and that's part of the problem. Do you ever notice that you can go through a phase where life is complete rubbish but then as soon as things are going to change, suddenly everything is better and you become resistant? For a long stretch last year I was pretty miserably unhappy. Other than family, I felt I had little to enjoy or cherish in Colorado.
I finally got my act together and applied for Graduate school. And then everything started falling into place here. My friendships are better than ever, I adore being home with my family, granted the job isn't great and part of my current excitement is that I'll soon be done with it. But generally, the theme is that life in Colorado is the bees knees right now.
And naturally that makes the impending unsettled move to Boston scarier than ever.
There are all the surface fears: the fact that I've yet to find an apartment, that I don't know how I'll get furniture for it, or more importantly if I'll be able to find a job to pay the rent; I worry how I'll handle graduate level work, if I'll be lonely, etc. But beyond that there's the anguish over leaving such a good, comfortable thing here for so many unknowns.
Obviously, it's more important than ever that I pay attention to all I have to be thankful for, even if some of that is soon going to be far away from my reach.
This Thanksgiving (and past year), I am thankful for...
*The Practicals: steady employment; a paycheck that covered rent, food and fun; always having a roof over my head and reliable transportation; insurance; my health.
*The Sentiments: Every moment I got with my sweet nephew; the news that I have a niece coming in February 2013; all the skype calls, phone calls & in person time I could get with my bestie sister; new friendships; the strengthening and support of old friendships (Tina, Abbi, Marci, Lauren, J.Gibbs, Shannon); breakfasts with my Dad; tea and front porch time with Mama; "The Fault in Our Stars" and other books that made a permanent impact; #PeetaBubble weekend with my loves; Marci's visit to Colorado; starting therapy and becoming a better version of myself; endless laughter (and good fashion) when I hang out with Abbi Clark & J. Gibbs; living with my best friend in a wonderful apartment and having lots of fun; working hard and getting into graduate school.
*The Tangibles: Starbucks (and lots of it); Favorite new movies: "Moonrise Kingdom", "Pitch Perfect", my sudden and infinite love for "Pride & Prejudice" (2005); Wonderful new tv shows: "Buffy" (and comfort from old favorites: "Doctor Who", "Parks & Rec", "HIMYM", etc.); Ed Sheeran; beautiful, warm new goodies for Boston; Essie nail polish; cherry cordial Hershey kisses; Warby Parker glasses; Pumpkin & cinnamon candles plus twinkle lights to warm my room for the holidays; herbal supplements that have improved my ability to sleep; my Mockingjay pin from Marci.
In honesty, the "thankful" list is and should be infinite. That's why I keep a daily gratitude journal. I only hope that I can remind myself of all these blessings that will stay with me even when I move to Boston. It's too easy to lose sight of all I have that others may not when I am down. I am truly too fortunate to take it all for granted.
Happy Thanksgiving from me to you.
