Episode 3: Stranded in Alpine

Recently, on “The Desert”…

Jen W. and Katie explored beautiful San Diego, enjoying a little sun and a lot of ice-cream. Way more relaxed and just a little bit more tan than when they arrived, the girls hit the road for the drive back to Border-of-Mexico/Arizona/California, U.S.A. Only, they didn’t get far…

Scene: Exit Ramp to Nowhere

As soon as I realized we were ensconced in an ominous cloud of black smoke I took the nearest exit. Thank goodness Jen W. keeps a cooler head than I do. When I asked her which way I should turn at the end of the exit ramp she wisely, if not a bit hastily, urged me to pull the heck over right where we were.

It’s a good thing I did.

We came to a halt on the edge of the exit ramp and quickly hoped out of the car that was now also popping electrically. Both Jen W. and I looked helplessly at the smoking vehicle for a few moments before she sprang into action and began calling for roadside assistance. Lucky for us a Park Ranger happened to notice our smoking car flying off the highway and had circled around to help us.

Oh yes, he was helpful. He helpfully told us that if we hadn’t have turned the car off right when we did, we would have caught fire. But that’s not all. He also kindly informed us that given the hillside covered with shrubs we parked next to, he said we would have caught the whole hill on fire. Everyone should be thankful you weren’t watching headlines last week about two idiot girls who started the next California Wildfire.

Well, after the ranger left us to wait for the tow truck we did what any sensible stranded automobilists would do. We took a boat load of pictures. And read the “Nancy Drew Handbook” I happened to have with me that taught us all about how to escape from a locked car trunk or survive when your brakes are cut.

(I wasn't going to show you this. I was going to spare you. But I felt it was better than you know the truth: Sister and I are straight up gangster. I pity the fool who thought of messing with us on the roadside.)

Granted, it wasn’t all sunshine and laughter. Jen W. did lash out at the car a time or two.

Scene: Tow Truck to Hell Alpine

Finally, our tow truck arrived to tow us away to the small town of Alpine, California where we would have to spend the night. We’d booked a hotel while we waited (thanks to The Mama who hooked us up with numbers) and anticipated finding the nearest gas station for sustenance when we arrived and then passing out.

But first we had to experience the ride in the tow truck with a man I like to call Ray of Sunshine Tow Truck Driver. I know, long name.

This delightful man decided to tell us many tales. First, when he learned I had a plane to catch back home in 2 days he delved into a 5 minute conversation about plane crashes, especially ones near Denver. He then regaled us with tales of the many stranded travelers who get raped and killed in that area—he mentioned we should hide in the shrubs with a blanket in the future. He also registered his surprise that we hadn’t been raped or killed. Finally, to put the cherry on top, he informed us about the many people who fall victim to being tied up with duct tape and warned us that if we ever get in a car with duct tape or zip ties we will most likely be killed.

We were more than happy to say “peace” to Ray of Sunshine Tow Truck Driver after he dropped us off at our hotel. (“Would you be willing to drop us off at our hotel after you drop the car off?” “Oh of course! I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t and then I heard on the news that you’d been killed” “…Thanks?”) We had a quick conversation with the concierge that went a little something like this:

Katie: Um, would it be safe for us to walk across the parking lot to get food?
Concierge: Safe?
Jen W.: Yeah, we noticed there are restaurants just over there and we wanted to know if it was safe to walk?
Concierge: In Alpine? Of course it’s safe.

She gave us a very strange look. But then, she hadn’t just been in a car with the King of Paranoia.

We were just in time to grab take out at a Chinese restaurant before they closed and then we took a short jaunt to a Rite Aid for some contact solution and blessed shampoo and toothpaste before settling into our room for the night. Thank goodness Jen W. and I are pack rats who had a full cooler and many changes of clothes for a mere day trip to the beach. By the looks of our room you’d think we had planned a vacation to Alpine.

Needless to say, we slept well.

And then we awoke early to embark on a mile long uphill walk to the auto-shop to give them the car keys. It was hot. It was sweaty. But we made it. Now, I had gotten rather weary of pictures at this point so you’ll just have to imagine (and please do) the little auto-shop office we entered. There were about ten placards on the wall with hundreds of kinds of embalmed insects tacked to it for show and jars on the windowsill with some sort of creatures floating in formaldehyde. Jen W. and I disturbingly suspected one was a platypus. Below the insects was a veritable collection of crucifixes and framed pictures of Jesus. Amen.

The walk back to the hotel was a lot easier as it was downhill, but we were still worn out.

Picture it for a minute, will you: 2 tired and sweaty girls with messy hair and not very attractive (or might I add revealing) clothing.

Enter crazy old toothless bike-riding man.

Said bike-riding old guy pedals up to our tired bodies and asks, in his Mexican accent, “Are you working?” with a few suggestive gestures and winks. I have to admit to you, I’m a bit of a naïve one from time to time and so I puzzled my face up and mumbled “working?” It wasn’t until my sister used a few well placed words to send him on his way that I realized, with panic and disgust, what kind of work he hoped we were doing.

Gross.

When we arrived back at the hotel, our hero was only a few minutes behind. Our dearest Mama drove practically all the way to San Diego to rescue her dirty and tired daughters from Alpine. And so off we went…

Back to Arizona. : )

And that, my friends, was my mostly wonderful trip to Arizona! Hope you enjoyed the riveting conclusion to my travel tales.