Recently I was speaking with my college bestie, Cristina, and we were bemoaning how good we had it at Rhodes and how we foolishly never realized it at the time. Tina and I spent a lot of time miserable over school work, stress, and general discontent with our college and where we were in our lives. Well, now we’re both exactly where we wanted to be and it turns out our dreams coming true isn’t working out quite as we'd imagined.
I’ve been thinking about life in retrospect a lot lately. I am the queen of loving things way more in memory than in the moment. It’s kind of a depressing problem, actually, because it seems that I am not able to enjoy life fully as it’s happening, but rather I look back on certain time periods or places with a bittersweet nostalgic longing. I did not love college. It had its moments, but the majority of the time I felt unhappy. Yet now, I look back and it all seems so fantastic—and it probably was, but I didn’t see it at the time.
Truth is: I am not happy in Spain. I don’t think it’s a huge secret but I try only to blog when I have something positive or quirky to say because recounting things I’m not happy about helps nothing. I try to keep negativity out of this space as often as I can. However, I am afraid that I am not seeing the full picture of my life here. I am afraid that I will be fairly miserable for the duration, return home in June, look at pictures in July and start sighing over how wonderful it all was and how I miss it. Because that is what I do.
Enjoying life in the moment seems easier said than done. Of course, it's not that I never ever enjoy anything in my life, on the contrary I usually enjoy many. Instead of constantly torturing myself thinking back on how great college was and how I wish I was back there right now, I should focus on improving my life here so that I can miss it when it's over without regretting that I didn't enjoy it while it was happening.
My time at Rhodes is over. I am sorry that I didn't always appreciate it while I was there, but I am happy that I can look back at pictures and recall memories fondly now.
It's time for me to focus on my life here. I can't wish myself back to any other time or place no matter how hard I try, so I might as well do my best to embrace the life I'm living instead of resenting it. This may never turn out to be the dream year I'd cooked up in my head, but it doesn't have to be underappreciated either.
Well, it's a start.
12 comments:
I saw that post secret this morning, and no lie, I definitely thought "maybe Kate sent that in?"
Glad you wrote about this--good to have such an open, honest dialogue with your readers and with yourself.
I know things aren't quite as we expected they would be, but I do feel grateful to have a friend like you with whom I can talk about everything.
Love you love you
Tina
I adore postsecret! We actually had an event on campus last semester where the guy who started it all came and spoke! So interesting.
Kate, I am the exact same way as far as remembering things differently. I know how hard it can be to stay positive and enjoy the moment, but I truly know you are there for a reason and the good may start showing itself in the strangest of ways. You are staying in my prayers sweet girl!
I love post secret...the postcard up above the one you put on your blog, about wasting your 20s away while in school and it not being worth...totally get it. I'm sort of scared that's how it's going to turn out for me. Anyways, this isn't about me...it's about you.
I think the whole thing about disliking something or being indifferent about something is what makes nostalgia so sweet. When you have that sweet hindsight, it makes things so much better. I think it's good that you acknowledged that this is how it'll probably be. It gives you something to look forward too. Plus, I know deep down in my heart that things are going to start getting better. XO.
Hang in there.
We're all getting the hang of life.
There are times and seasons, sometimes high and sometimes low.
Have you ever tried a gratitude journal? It sure helps me, writing down brief, even silly things I'm thankful for each day.
New follower!!!
Sincerely,
Emma Michaels
Emma_Michaels@hotmail.com
http://EmmaMichaels.Blogspot.com
Dearest Kate,
we are the same person. i very rarely appreciate when i'm in a good place - i'm in a constant state of whining about how much i hate school, and how i just want to pick up and move. in 2 years, i doubt i'll be singing the 'i'm so happy i'm an adult' song.
i hope you end up loving spain! i really & truly do. travelling is one of my favorite favorite things to do but being in another country is daunting - i can't imagine being there by myself!
my email is always, always, always open for you!
I do the same thing a lot. When I look back at some part of my life I think it was amazing. But I didn't really think so at the time...
I love the way you write, it's very captivating and pretty.
Dearest Kate,
I second the suggestion to write a gratitude journal. Sometimes (and sometimes often times) we have to force ourselves to remember that there are things in our lives to be thankful for. And not even the, "I could be living in a war torn country, starving and fearing for my life every second of the day," big kind of thankfulness.
Just the, "I am thankful that on this Monday morning I found that bag of candy corn I forgot I had left in the office over the weekend," kind of little, silly thankfulness.
Or even, "Thanks to my family's wonderful heritage, even though winter is fast approaching, I have a lovely tan skin tone all year round!"
(That last one applies only to you, not me.)
Also, as with most personal hurdles, recognizing that you have a problem/are in a rut/need a new state of mind is always the first step. Congratulations!
Love Post Secret.
But it is also good that you are being honest with yourself and actively trying to find the good.
<3 Take care!!!
Kate,
I usually feel the same when thinking about the past. I felt like it was a horrible time and now, I feel like I missed so many things and didn't enjoy it fully! My year as a Language Assistant costed me a depression and now I try to think about it as a good experience, because it is what it was eventually.
We don't know each other very well but if you feel a hand I'm very willing to meet and help you with anything :) I might not be the funniest girl in the world but some outing should be a fun thing to remember in the future! ;)
p.s. I finally decided to post a comment. :)
Kate,
I usually feel the same when thinking about the past. I felt like it was a horrible time and now, I feel like I missed so many things and didn't enjoy it fully! My year as a Language Assistant costed me a depression and now I try to think about it as a good experience, because it is what it was eventually.
We don't know each other very well but if you feel a hand I'm very willing to meet and help you with anything :) I might not be the funniest girl in the world but some outing should be a fun thing to remember in the future! ;)
p.s. I finally decided to post a comment. :)
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