Should I start telling you how
guess what it's FALL as though you didn't know? Should I write a dedication to everything I love about Autumn, like Pumpkin Spice Lattes, that crisp leaf-burning smell, or slanting early evening light on changing leaves?
I know you've heard it all, so I won't go there.
Summer 2012 was an interesting one for me.
It started off with a bang (ha!) when my sister surprised me with the news that she was PREGNANT, which came as a huge shock. (This was not technically summer, it was early June, but I'm bending the seasonal rules.) I was beside myself with joy after I got past my stuttered repetitions of, "oh my god, what? oh my god, what?". This was an unplanned but completely welcome surprise for Chris and Jen (and the rest of the family as well!) It was a painful and angst-ridden week and a half between when Jen told me the news and when she told my parents. I was choking on my excitement at every turn, bubbling over with pride and love that I couldn't share. She created an adorable children's book for my parents with pictures of them and G over the past year written from his perspective. At the end, he tells them they will be grandparents again in February. It was so sweet and fun to be with them when they found out. And such a relief for me to finally be able to talk about it with a few people. I had already bought the little one a gift that was clearly too immature for my nephew and my Mom had no idea why.
Elsewhere in my life, I had been dating a bit for the first time in a
long time. But as May turned to June, the brief spring fling I'd been enjoying was withering in the summer heat. So my season really started with the end of something. And while dating was sort of fun, the end of this particular relationship (a term used loosely) was ultimately un-lamentable.
In fact the end of dating this boy provided the catalyst I needed to begin applying to graduate schools. I'd been dragging my feet for about a year because I just wasn't ready to begin such an intensive period of my life. I knew graduate school was a big, difficult step to take and I wanted to feel ready, not forced. So while I had looked at programs and applications many times before, I always freaked out and clicked out of the webpage before I got too far in applying. Well, to be honest, the fact that the boy I was dating seemed
put out that I'd want to pursue further education sort of did the trick.
Anyway, applying to graduate school was a complete mad dash as I tried to get all of my materials together in time for an August 1st deadline. I spent a very lazy June followed by an insanely busy July of applications and work. I got everything done, miraculously, and then sort of forgot about everything as August rushed in with several weeks in a row of visitors. It was a blast seeing an old friend from Salzburg, my family, and my darling Marci, but definitely exhausting.
Something really big happened in August. (Other than my 24th birthday.) (And my sister visiting). (And Marci visiting.) (And a good friend getting married.) (Ok, so August was big.)
Just as a lovely week-long visit from my sister & nephew was winding to a close, my roommate texted me that I had mail. From Simmons college. Simmons College in Boston was my first choice graduate school because they offered a dual degree in Library Information Science and Children's Literature. Given that I aspire to be a Children's & Youth Librarian, I couldn't find a better match for my personal dreams.
I nervously asked J. Gibbs if the envelope was thin. "Not thin," she said. Actually, to be accurate, she said: "not thin heehee!"
So I sat anxiously through the rest of the episode of BBC's "Sherlock" I was watching with my Dad, then made up an excuse to race home and check the mail. Sitting on the counter of my apartment was a gigantic thick envelope.
Unfortunately, I did not get in.
No, I kid, I got in--there's no other option with a huge envelope, really. Oh my gosh, can you imagine if I didn't and they sent some huge rejection packet? Like, on how to cope or something? With depression pamphlets? Luckily, not the case.
I was like a chihuahua, or
Jennifer Lawrence, on the drive back to my house. I was bouncing out of my driver's seat with anticipation. It was so fun to spring the news on my family who responded completely appropriately with the correct amount of enthusiasm. The winning reaction goes to my precious nephew, who clapped his hands and babbled in excitement without having any idea why he was excited. He's got his Aunt's back.
So where am I now? That's a complicated question. There've been a lot of tears and anxiety over what's coming next for me. I've deferred my acceptance to Spring 2013, as I knew I would all along if I got in. There was simply no way for me to rearrange my life in a matter of 3 weeks to start school the first week of September. As excited as I was/am(/will be?) to have been accepted into such a wonderful graduate program, I am equally anxious and afraid. The list of concerns is long. Boston is expensive. Simmons is expensive. Graduate school is going to be hard, maybe too hard. It's going to be dark and cold. I may have an impossible time finding a place to live that I can afford. It's going to suck trying to move my life out there in the winter. It's going to be stressful if I can't find a job relatively quickly. I'm going to miss my family so much that it
already hurts. It could be difficult to make friends; I could be lonely and depressed again like I was in Spain. And then add lots of hard work to being lonely, cold and poor.
...As I sit here writing this, I'm wondering if I can get my tuition deposit back.
I'm sure you can see why I have a fair bit of unease about this big change.
But it is happening. I am going to Boston in December/January and I will be a graduate student. I will earn this degree and I will find a job in the field I want. I have to. Right?
I will be visiting Boston in the middle of October for a brief 72 hours. I'm going to try to get a feel for the city and which areas would be safer to live in if I get a choice. I'll visit school and do touristy stuff. I think it will help give me a boost of clarity and heighten my excitement over the move. I hope it will! In accordance, if you have any tips about Boston, anyone you can connect me with or an idea for my October visit, please don't hesitate to share.
Summer is over, and although Autumn has just started, it feels over in a way already too. So much is happening in my life and so quickly that I can't get a handle on it. I'm not taking the time to slow down and smell the Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
That said, I did enjoy a really needed mountain retreat last weekend. My Mom & I spent a few days at our cabin, just drinking tea and watching good shows and taking leisurely mountain walks. Our Monday was pleasantly gray with a chill in the air. We drove to the lake and spent a few hours at a bakery curled up in arms chairs in the corner, warming our hands on soup bowls and reading. Everything smelled fresh and cold and we drove past deer nibbling dying grass by the side of the road. They weren't even afraid; they looked us in the eyes and kept on chewing.
So, this Fall I say: More deep breaths of fresh chilly air, less suffocating panic. More hot tea, hot soup, hot coffee, hot everything, less cold feet. More phone conversations with my sister about my nephew's latest cute quirks and how my niece is kicking it in the womb, less hang ups over the unimportant things. More productive planning, less listing of fears and "impossibilities". More love, less self-doubt. More time spent on friends, less on selfish worries. More Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Full stop.
Happy Autumn 2012. Take a moment, breathe, and keep going.
