In transition

Thanksgiving 2012 brought a little bit of melancholy but a lot of joy.

It's just been Mom, Dad & I this year and I've enjoyed this quiet, relaxing version of a usually fun but overwhelming holiday. I stayed in my pjs late. Food prep was minimal as we ordered a smoked turkey this year--a delicious choice. We stuffed ourselves and drank wine and told stories around the table. We even got to Skype with my sister, brother-in-law and nephew for a bit while eating! We took a walk, watched one of my favorite Doctor Who episodes ("The Girl Who Waited"), ate Pumpkin pie, and watched cheesy Lifetime Christmas movies. And yet, mid-afternoon, during the typically peaceful post-turkey coma, I found myself sinking into my own melancholy and worry.

Lately my life feels like a balancing act on unsteady ground. Like trying to stand in a rushing river stream with nothing to grab onto for purchase. I'm having some intense growing pains trying to prepare for my move to Boston and I'm trying to handle them with grace, but often I fail.

What it comes down to is that I have so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving--and that's part of the problem. Do you ever notice that you can go through a phase where life is complete rubbish but then as soon as things are going to change, suddenly everything is better and you become resistant? For a long stretch last year I was pretty miserably unhappy. Other than family, I felt I had little to enjoy or cherish in Colorado.

I finally got my act together and applied for Graduate school. And then everything started falling into place here. My friendships are better than ever, I adore being home with my family, granted the job isn't great and part of my current excitement is that I'll soon be done with it. But generally, the theme is that life in Colorado is the bees knees right now.

And naturally that makes the impending unsettled move to Boston scarier than ever.

There are all the surface fears: the fact that I've yet to find an apartment, that I don't know how I'll get furniture for it, or more importantly if I'll be able to find a job to pay the rent; I worry how I'll handle graduate level work, if I'll be lonely, etc. But beyond that there's the anguish over leaving such a good, comfortable thing here for so many unknowns.

Obviously, it's more important than ever that I pay attention to all I have to be thankful for, even if some of that is soon going to be far away from my reach.

This Thanksgiving (and past year), I am thankful for...

*The Practicals: steady employment; a paycheck that covered rent, food and fun; always having a roof over my head and reliable transportation; insurance; my health.

*The Sentiments: Every moment I got with my sweet nephew; the news that I have a niece coming in February 2013; all the skype calls, phone calls & in person time I could get with my bestie sister; new friendships; the strengthening and support of old friendships (Tina, Abbi, Marci, Lauren, J.Gibbs, Shannon); breakfasts with my Dad; tea and front porch time with Mama; "The Fault in Our Stars" and other books that made a permanent impact; #PeetaBubble weekend with my loves; Marci's visit to Colorado; starting therapy and becoming a better version of myself; endless laughter (and good fashion) when I hang out with Abbi Clark & J. Gibbs; living with my best friend in a wonderful apartment and having lots of fun; working hard and getting into graduate school.

*The Tangibles: Starbucks (and lots of it); Favorite new movies: "Moonrise Kingdom", "Pitch Perfect", my sudden and infinite love for "Pride & Prejudice" (2005); Wonderful new tv shows: "Buffy" (and comfort from old favorites: "Doctor Who", "Parks & Rec", "HIMYM", etc.); Ed Sheeran; beautiful, warm new goodies for Boston; Essie nail polish; cherry cordial Hershey kisses; Warby Parker glasses; Pumpkin & cinnamon candles plus twinkle lights to warm my room for the holidays; herbal supplements that have improved my ability to sleep; my Mockingjay pin from Marci.

In honesty, the "thankful" list is and should be infinite. That's why I keep a daily gratitude journal. I only hope that I can remind myself of all these blessings that will stay with me even when I move to Boston. It's too easy to lose sight of all I have that others may not when I am down. I am truly too fortunate to take it all for granted.

Happy Thanksgiving from me to you.

Summer is Over

Should I start telling you how guess what it's FALL as though you didn't know? Should I write a dedication to everything I love about Autumn, like Pumpkin Spice Lattes, that crisp leaf-burning smell, or slanting early evening light on changing leaves?

I know you've heard it all, so I won't go there.

Summer 2012 was an interesting one for me.

It started off with a bang (ha!) when my sister surprised me with the news that she was PREGNANT, which came as a huge shock. (This was not technically summer, it was early June, but I'm bending the seasonal rules.) I was beside myself with joy after I got past my stuttered repetitions of, "oh my god, what? oh my god, what?". This was an unplanned but completely welcome surprise for Chris and Jen (and the rest of the family as well!) It was a painful and angst-ridden week and a half between when Jen told me the news and when she told my parents. I was choking on my excitement at every turn, bubbling over with pride and love that I couldn't share. She created an adorable children's book for my parents with pictures of them and G over the past year written from his perspective. At the end, he tells them they will be grandparents again in February. It was so sweet and fun to be with them when they found out. And such a relief for me to finally be able to talk about it with a few people. I had already bought the little one a gift that was clearly too immature for my nephew and my Mom had no idea why.

Elsewhere in my life, I had been dating a bit for the first time in a long time. But as May turned to June, the brief spring fling I'd been enjoying was withering in the summer heat. So my season really started with the end of something. And while dating was sort of fun, the end of this particular relationship (a term used loosely) was ultimately un-lamentable.

In fact the end of dating this boy provided the catalyst I needed to begin applying to graduate schools. I'd been dragging my feet for about a year because I just wasn't ready to begin such an intensive period of my life. I knew graduate school was a big, difficult step to take and I wanted to feel ready, not forced. So while I had looked at programs and applications many times before, I always freaked out and clicked out of the webpage before I got too far in applying. Well, to be honest, the fact that the boy I was dating seemed put out that I'd want to pursue further education sort of did the trick.

Anyway, applying to graduate school was a complete mad dash as I tried to get all of my materials together in time for an August 1st deadline. I spent a very lazy June followed by an insanely busy July of applications and work. I got everything done, miraculously, and then sort of forgot about everything as August rushed in with several weeks in a row of visitors. It was a blast seeing an old friend from Salzburg, my family, and my darling Marci, but definitely exhausting.

Something really big happened in August. (Other than my 24th birthday.) (And my sister visiting). (And Marci visiting.) (And a good friend getting married.) (Ok, so August was big.)

Just as a lovely week-long visit from my sister & nephew was winding to a close, my roommate texted me that I had mail. From Simmons college. Simmons College in Boston was my first choice graduate school because they offered a dual degree in Library Information Science and Children's Literature. Given that I aspire to be a Children's & Youth Librarian, I couldn't find a better match for my personal dreams.

I nervously asked  J. Gibbs if the envelope was thin. "Not thin," she said. Actually, to be accurate, she said: "not thin heehee!"

So I sat anxiously through the rest of the episode of BBC's "Sherlock" I was watching with my Dad, then made up an excuse to race home and check the mail. Sitting on the counter of my apartment was a gigantic thick envelope.

Unfortunately, I did not get in.

No, I kid, I got in--there's no other option with a huge envelope, really. Oh my gosh, can you imagine if I didn't and they sent some huge rejection packet? Like, on how to cope or something? With depression pamphlets? Luckily, not the case.

I was like a chihuahua, or Jennifer Lawrence, on the drive back to my house. I was bouncing out of my driver's seat with anticipation. It was so fun to spring the news on my family who responded completely appropriately with the correct amount of enthusiasm. The winning reaction goes to my precious nephew, who clapped his hands and babbled in excitement without having any idea why he was excited. He's got his Aunt's back.

So where am I now? That's a complicated question. There've been a lot of tears and anxiety over what's coming next for me. I've deferred my acceptance to Spring 2013, as I knew I would all along if I got in. There was simply no way for me to rearrange my life in a matter of 3 weeks to start school the first week of September. As excited as I was/am(/will be?) to have been accepted into such a wonderful graduate program, I am equally anxious and afraid. The list of concerns is long. Boston is expensive. Simmons is expensive. Graduate school is going to be hard, maybe too hard. It's going to be dark and cold. I may have an impossible time finding a place to live that I can afford. It's going to suck trying to move my life out there in the winter. It's going to be stressful if I can't find a job relatively quickly. I'm going to miss my family so much that it already hurts. It could be difficult to make friends; I could be lonely and depressed again like I was in Spain. And then add lots of hard work to being lonely, cold and poor.

...As I sit here writing this, I'm wondering if I can get my tuition deposit back.

I'm sure you can see why I have a fair bit of unease about this big change.

But it is happening. I am going to Boston in December/January and I will be a graduate student. I will earn this degree and I will find a job in the field I want. I have to. Right?

I will be visiting Boston in the middle of October for a brief 72 hours. I'm going to try to get a feel for the city and which areas would be safer to live in if I get a choice. I'll visit school and do touristy stuff. I think it will help give me a boost of clarity and heighten my excitement over the move. I hope it will! In accordance, if you have any tips about Boston, anyone you can connect me with or an idea for my October visit, please don't hesitate to share.

Summer is over, and although Autumn has just started, it feels over in a way already too. So much is happening in my life and so quickly that I can't get a handle on it. I'm not taking the time to slow down and smell the Pumpkin Spice Lattes.


That said, I did enjoy a really needed mountain retreat last weekend. My Mom & I spent a few days at our cabin, just drinking tea and watching good shows and taking leisurely mountain walks. Our Monday was pleasantly gray with a chill in the air. We drove to the lake and spent a few hours at a bakery curled up in arms chairs in the corner, warming our hands on soup bowls and reading. Everything smelled fresh and cold and we drove past deer nibbling dying grass by the side of the road. They weren't even afraid; they looked us in the eyes and kept on chewing.

So, this Fall I say: More deep breaths of fresh chilly air, less suffocating panic. More hot tea, hot soup, hot coffee, hot everything, less cold feet. More phone conversations with my sister about my nephew's latest cute quirks and how my niece is kicking it in the womb, less hang ups over the unimportant things. More productive planning, less listing of fears and "impossibilities". More love, less self-doubt. More time spent on friends, less on selfish worries.  More Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Full stop.

Happy Autumn 2012. Take a moment, breathe, and keep going.

Hello, Mr. President

It's so cheesy to call something "once-in-a-lifetime." But that's what today was for me.

Today I got up at 5:30 am to drive to Golden, Colorado to see President Obama speak. My Mom and I grabbed some breakfast and coffee (for me) before meeting up with Abbi & Nick for the big event. I can't properly put into words the joy I felt in my heart being with my mother for this momentous occasion and witnessing her immense awe at what we were getting to do. My excitement was heightened by hers. She bought us both pins and cried a little as we made our way to the line. She wondered aloud to me if this was what Beatles fans had felt like in the early days when they went to the concerts and sobbed with joy. To be honest, her teary-eyed enthusiasm was nothing short of precious.

{Rock star seating.}

We waited in line for maybe an hour before they let us move through the gates that were akin to airport security. No beverages, no food. Once we made it through the most incredible, serendipitous thing happened. A woman approached Abbi and Nick before Mom and I rejoined them and asked if our party would like to sit behind the President of the United States during his speech! Are you kidding? We were all tripping over ourselves to say yes. I say she picked us to be among the lucky few because Abbi and Nick are such an adorable couple and would look good on tv. I'm so lucky I was with them! After we got the super-special stickers on our tickets that allowed us VIP seating, we made our way up to the stands and tried to calm down before President Obama arrived. We had a few hours to kill so we chatted, mulled over our immense luck and I admit I read a few pages of "My Most Excellent Year."

I can't really even begin to speak about the whirlwind forty minutes after the President made his entrance. I wish I had gotten better pictures when he arrived, but I was shaking with so much emotion that it's all a blur.

A few snapshots for my personal records and your viewing pleasure:

{My sister snapped this one of her screen while streaming the speech. Yes, believe it or not, I am in this photo. Third row up, almost all the way off the screen to the left--black shirt, white button, next to the cute lady in the white visor. Abbi is there too, to my right with the cute bangs.}

{Look! Mama in the white visor to Obama's left. I'm sort of in the photo too, but just the top of my head. source.}

I believe in President Obama. I am proud to have voted for him during my very first election in 2008 and I am dedicated to seeing him re-elected in 2012. To hear him speak and be so close to his personage today was a complete unprecedented honor. I know this is a proud and joyous memory I will carry with me throughout my whole life. 

To the Capitol

My most darling friend Marci came to visit last week and what a joy it was.

I got to spend several days with her, including my 24th birthday! I like to think such a delightful start to my year is a good sign for the rest of it. So thanks for that Marci.

Marci visiting was great for the sake of it but also for the side-effects: I got to see more of Abbi last week than I had all summer! And now I don't think I can possibly allow such a lapse in hanging out to occur again because she slays me.

Together we 3:

-Shopped vintage

-Introduced Marci to: Snooze, Noodles, Old Chicago's

-Discussed religion (we know how to party, don't be jealous)

-Ate copious amounts

-Saw "Celeste & Jesse Forever" at a nifty old theatre in downtown Denver, The Esquire

-Talked and talked and talked. An obscene yet awesome amount.

-Went to The Melting Pot for my birthday

-Tried to watch "Detention"--deemed it the worst decision of our lives

-Took Marci's "Arrested Development" virginity; effectively changed her life

-Missed our 4th part, Lauren, ~A LOT

In conclusion, Marci, please come back. You know District 11 is nothing compared to our fine luxuries here in the Capitol. 

Summer Boys

If songs/artists were boys, I’d be guilty of a lot of one-night stands.

Some of them are on purpose. I can shamelessly belt out “Call Me Maybe” any time or place, but I certainly don’t see Carly Rae Jepsen being “the one.” Sometimes I think I’ve found something real with an artist but after maybe one or two charismatic and catchy tunes, I realize there’s no real substance, nothing long-lasting, not enough to hook me for good. Sure, there might be the occasional late night singing session and I may rebound a few years later if there’s a new hit single on the radio, but these artists just don’t have what it takes to go the distance with me.

But once in a blue moon, I discover an artist so sensational that I don’t just want to jump into bed, I want to say I love you on the first date. There’s just something different with these ones, something unquantifiable and truly amazing. I can’t get them out of my head long after the first meeting.  These are the real deal, the music Relationships. Of course, in this extended metaphor I am totally a polygamist.

I’m here today to tell you about my latest musical Relationship: Ed Sheeran. Guys, he’s special. His album is going to be one of my life long loves, I already know.  It was really my friend Abbi who introduced us. She mentioned him casually at the movies a few weeks ago (coincidentally, at a movie which is now a lifelong favorite—“Moonrise Kingdom”). She said everyone was obsessed with him lately so I said she should hook me up but I didn’t really think it would be anything to write home about.

Just a few nights later I was bored and restless late at night, so I thought maybe I’d check him out.  I pulled up the first video that popped up on a YouTube search. It was good…really good. So good that I immediately hit the next link…and the next…and the next…until I knew I couldn’t sleep until I had listened to his entire album. And then after I finished I still couldn’t sleep until I had replayed my immediate favorites a few times. I was so hooked so fast that it was overwhelming. I felt teary-eyed. I wanted to dance and sing and shout. This was just so so good.

Well, you can imagine how things proceeded. I fell hard and fast.  I kept listening to my favorites on YouTube while I waited for Abbi to burn me his album, “+”. Once I got my hands on that it was all over.  Each day it feels like I’m discovering Ed all over again. I don’t know about you, but I usually have initial favorites with an artist and so I listen to that song over and over until finally I feel ready to move on and see what else they have to offer. I still haven’t given full attention to every song on the album but my first cursory listen was enough to know that this was one of those rare albums that has the potential of being entirely good.  Like, every single song.

Here is my musical journey so far:

I started off that fateful night hooked on “Lego House,” entirely I might add because of the hilarious video starring Rupert Grint, as well as “Drunk.” The following morning I gave a little play time to “A-Team” and the fast-tempo-ed “Grade 8.” These are all great songs, but I wouldn’t argue they aren’t the ones that seal the deal. I mean, I was completely head-over-heels but it was the songs that came later that won Ed Sheeran a permanent place in my heart.

During the week I waited for the physical cd to come into my hands, I started replaying “Wake Me Up” and “Sunburn” on YouTube a lot.

As of the past few days I’ve finally really discovered “Give Me Love,” “Kiss Me,” and “Little Bird.” I can’t even explain how I feel about “Give Me Love.” And “Little Bird” is the best for driving with the windows down.

Honorable mention to “Small Bump,” which is beautiful and has lyrics that make me want to sob.

I didn’t post every song referenced above or every song from the album.  So you should all go check it out for yourselves and fall in love too. I’m willing to share.

And bonus! Here are some fantastic Olly Murs songs….I’m really digging him right now too. It’s a summer fling that I think could turn into something real.

And where I stood was where I was to be.

This is the most important thing in my life right now:



I can't even begin to explain the emotions this song stirs up in me.

"I saw myself in summer nights
And stars lit up like candlelights
I make my wish, but mostly
I believed."

May you feel joy.

I keep starting blog entries and then I keep stopping.

It may be that my blogging days are over. It may just be that they are on sabbatical. I'm not going to stress about it.

I will always be happy to have this record of all the things I felt and did over a three year period and maybe someday I'll have more to add.

For now I just wanted to say that lately I have felt joy. Not just happy--joyful. I hope I can continue to rejoice about the good things in my life and overcome the bad. My joy stems from many things, big and little, but here are a few...

-Some time spent in April with my nephew, sister and brother-in-law.

-A reunion with some best friends. {I say reunion even though it was the first time several of us were meeting, because our spirits met long ago.}

{Photos courtesy of Lauren}

We saw "The Hunger Games." And read quality literature. And watched "Little Manhattan." And ate a lot. And really appreciated Ted. And decided to be best friends forever...still.

-The weather.

I know I have at least a mild case of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) but the contrast between the hard winter I went through and this blooming Spring has made it more evident than ever. Things are really looking up for me and the season definitely has something to do with it.

My roommates and I bought porch chairs and some pretty lanterns for tea lights and some twinkle lights and now spending an evening on the balcony with a cup of tea is one of my favorite pastimes. I just need to be outside, guys. 

-Essie nail polish. I have an actual problem. I think at my last count I own 12 bottles. 

-Fellowship with my Bible Study group. They have helped me a lot the past few months. 

-Re-learning my independence and confidence. Seeking to be the girl I was in Palma de Mallorca again. 

-New adventures.

I think there are some positive changes coming my way. We shall see! For now I am enjoying feeling light and optimistic.

Happy May. 

:)

Hunger Games Hipsters

This time in just two weeks I will be having the epic bestie weekend of a lifetime with three of my very favorite girls in Arizona. It'll be a weekend of fun, sun, and most importantly, multiple viewings of "The Hunger Games."

As Hunger Game mania sets into full swing, I find myself having a somewhat adverse reaction. This is both the culmination of a three year dream and a potential nightmare. Will they mess up these books that are so precious to me? Will they leave something essential (to me) out? And most perilous of all: will they turn Hunger Games into some sort of twisted Twilight with the focus being on shirtless men and screaming fangirls? Because that is NOT the Hunger Games.

I always hated when people loved something until it got popular and then they turned their nose up. If you love a band, why aren't you happy for them when they make it big? Why are you suddenly too good for them? That's stupid.

..And yet, admittedly, I find that I am having a similar reaction with the Hunger Games becoming big. NOT that I suddenly hate it (never!) but that I bristle a bit at all the hype and most of all the new fans. I think what it comes down to is that I feel the Hunger Games deserves fans who didn't need 8,000 magazine covers of actors, movie promos on every channel, and God forbid Miley Cyrus's boyfriend to make them come around to reading a book that is more than enough on its own, no movie necessary. Every time I see a Facebook status of "Just finished the Hunger Games!1111!!!! I AM THE NUMBER 1 FAN!" I cringe; every time I walk a guest to our waiting room only to have them pull out their book and ask me "have you heard of these Hungry Games books? They're pretty good, you should read them!" I have to suppress an ironic laugh.

Because the thing is, when I read the Hunger Games--no DEVOURED the Hunger Games--you could not PAY people to read them! I spent the best part of the past three years begging family, friends and even sometimes random strangers to read these amazing books. In 2009, when you tried to give a quick plot synopsis of the book after someone asked you "well, what's it about?" you quickly watched that look enter their eye; the look that said "oh goodness, this girl is crazy. A book about kids killing kids in some sort of weird televised competition? RIGHT, I want to read that. Not." And that was that. I could not get people to listen to me.

Recently, when discussing the pains of going for years with our recommendations being snubbed only now to have everyone act like they know what's up, my dear Marci coined us the Hunger Games Hipsters. We, the Hunger Games hipsters, suffered waiting the agonizing wait between books. We discussed, devoured, and dedicated ourselves to these books. We swooned over Peeta and googled "Hunger Games movie." Back then, you got maybe one hit, eight entries down...vague rumors that maybe it would be adapted. Maybe. Someday.

I still remember Lauren & I texting frantically in those early days. I was waiting to pick my parents up at the airport, and she was begging me to reassure her that I loved Peeta. I could barely respond because it was such an unnecessary question. Who is there besides precious Peeta? After an entire weekend where I could speak of nothing but the amazing book I had just finished, I was luckily able to convince my Mom & sister to read the books as well. They too are among the ranks of the Hunger Games Hipsters.

Reading these books before the cast was announced, before the promo photos arrived and the previews came out was and always will be a fundamentally different reading experience than any new fan can have. I wouldn't have it any other way. My friends and I discussed the nuances of a look, the meaning of one of Katniss' thoughts, the destiny of Peeta after "Catching Fire" when we waited a year in agony.

I am so glad that the world is now discovering this absolute treasure that has been a part of my life for three years...but I also wish they had listened to me sooner. That we could've analyzed and discussed the characters and the plot without "yeah but Josh doesn't have blonde hair!" being any part of the conversation. That it was still about who these people were and the fight they were fighting and not "yeah but Liam is hotter!" At midnight, if you're in my theater and you're wearing a shirt with an actor-portraying-a-character's face on it, I might feel a tiny bit judgy. If you refer to a character by the actor's name, I will flinch. These books meant the world to me before Jennifer Lawrence was even a name I knew.

So yeah, ok, I'm a Hunger Games Hipster and I can't help it.

Lauren, Marci, Abbi--I CANNOT wait to properly fangirl out with you ladies in T- 2 weeks!

And one more for the road.

Clearly, it's birthday week around here. Today is my roommate J. Gibbs' birthday!

I offered J. Gibbs presents and baked goods but she was no help with gift ideas, so she selected cupcakes and we called it good.

I offered to bake her one of my favorite recipes ever, Honey Yogurt Cuppies.

They are sooooooo yummy and moist.

I think she liked them!

My favorite moment of the night was when I saw her watching me frost this cupcake, and I explained "it's supposed to say 'yay'."

To which she responded: "Oh! I thought it was a bunny rabbit."

{This was the angle she was seeing it from. Do you see the bunny rabbit? According to J. Gibbs it is running and its ears are flapping out behind it. Ok.}

In unrelated news, I pretended it was my birthday this week too and gifted myself this beautiful Jason Wu bag. Actually, J. Gibbs totally came through for me on Sunday and ran out just in time to snatch me the LAST ONE because I knew everything would be sold out by the time I was off of work. Gosh do people take designers hitting Target seriously!

Jason Wu for Target for the win!

Twenty-Seven

Dearest Kindred Spirit,

25 brought us together in Colorado, 26 took us on beautiful adventures in Spain, what does 27 hold?

{Montserrat, April 2011}

I hope this year brings forth so many good things in your life. I hope that you fulfill dreams you've held close to your heart for always and dreams you have yet to imagine. Never stop expecting goodness from your life and never stop seeking it. You are such a wonderful friend and I cannot wait to make new memories with you this year!

Happy Happy Birthday!

All my love,

KS

They say it's your birthday

Happy Birthday, Bestie!

I cannot wait to celebrate The Hunger Games, exciting new life events, friendship, food, and ALL THINGS PEETA with you in only a little over a month!

{Soon we can take new photos! YAY!}

Until then, let's keep having excellent psychic connections and soul sister bonding moments and Josh swooning sessions.

Love you always.

xo,

Kate

Snow Day.

Today is a blessed glorious (really cold) snow day! I might argue that having a snow day as an adult is actually better than as a kid. I don't mind going to work...but I HATE driving in those icy flakes of damnation. (I feel strongly about it.)

Well today I woke up to THE text: Work closed today.

It's pretty much a blizzard here, guys.

I thought I would enjoy a lot of pajama time and some lazing around on the couch and some reading and a LOT of eating but the day ended up being even better than all that. Abbi is in town for the weekend/snowpocalypse and she invited me sledding! I love Abbi's Mama 'cause she's always so sweet and inclusive. Abbi, her Mama and her Mama's boyfriend picked me and my roommate up and off we went to have a snowy adventure. We went to this incredible sledding hill that I had actually had my eye on previously and a good time was had by all.

While I'm here actually blogging, let me recap the other going-ons in my thrilling life as of late.

This past Monday Mama and I went down to Wash Park in Denver. Sadly it was a much grayer day than expected, but we still had a really nice walk and then headed back to our end of town for the BEST LUNCH EVER. Brilliant mother of mine came up with the idea to get the food we were craving from a bunch of different restaurants and then take it all home and have a massive progressive feast. I was really impressed by her...it may be the best idea she's ever had. We had truffle mac from Noodles&Co, nachos from Qdoba and our very favorite Thai Spring Rolls and Thom Kha Gai from Little Basil.

For dinner one night I proclaimed it was European night and so my roommates and I feasted on this spread I assembled: Spanish manchego cheese and famous Rioja (Spanish wine), French bread, Greek olives, and Italian Prosciutto. I could seriously eat like that every night.

As you know, I read Pandemonium and I still have very mixed feelings. I don't want to say that I didn't like it or that I loved it...I just don't know how I feel.

Oh yes, I watched Sherlock and became obsessed during Season 2. I'm waiting to watch Reichenbach Fall with Abbi as I will need a support system nearby.

I bought red pants and then wore them around as if I was actually pulling them off.

Last weeks flowers were tulips and I loved them to the extreme.

My recipe of the week was French Breakfast Puffs. It was like baking cupcakes for breakfast and I loved every minute of it--the baking and the eating.

That's about it!

....JUST KIDDING! You didn't think I forgot the most exciting part of this week did you? The new Hunger Games trailer!

The book purist in me needs to make peace NOW with the fact that there will be lots of book-to-movie differences, like Katniss randomly giving a hysterical Prim a Mockingjay pin when Prim is in fact actually rather composed pre-reaping and Madge gives Katniss the pin, because I know that these changes are actually relatively unimportant.

Just don't mess with my cave scene, ok?

Pandemonium {in my head}

Have you read "Delirium" by Lauren Oliver? Let's assume that's a rhetorical question. Of course you have! It was one of my top 5 favorite reads of 2011.

Well, dear dear friend Abbi won an ARC of the sequel, "Pandemonium," and the blessed girl decided to lend me this treasure. I received it on Thursday and finished it early this morning before work. I sort of numbed myself out right away so that I could make it through work without going out of my mind.

But I thawed out on my drive home tonight.

{SPOILER FREE}

I was on the highway and all of a sudden I found myself playing through the events of the sequel in my head. Then I was shaking a fist and screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! WHAT IS THIS LIFE?!"

These are real things, guys. I really do this. I probably woke my roommate up this morning, in fact, with my frantic prayers and exclamations in the last 50 or so pages. I am not a quiet reader. I am vocal.

The thing is, what happened in the end was exactly EXACTLY what I always thought would happen. It was not a surprise in any way but I still felt sucker-punched. And that's not a spoiler because none of you know what I thought would happen, ok?!

I found the sequel to be predictable, but not in a bad way. Maybe that sounds confusing, but what I mean is that I don't think predictable has to be a bad thing if a book is very well written. And I think this series by Lauren Oliver is very well written. So although most of the major plot twists were things that I had expected long before Lena figured them out, I wasn't terribly bothered because I think the prose are wonderful. Yes, sometimes I was annoyed with Lena for not figuring out what was so obvious sooner, but I was never mad at Lauren Oliver for writing a book that was easy for me to "solve."

This next part I invite you to come back and read after you get your copy on February 28th. I will seriously need someone to work through all this with me.

Now for some

********SPOILERS*******

because I have nobody to discuss this exquisite torture with and it's killing me:

So I know one of the main issues this book will bring about is the question of Alex or Julian. YA always seems to force us to chose a boy and a ship to give our loyalty to. But for once the answer isn't clear to me. I am having more difficulty sorting out my feelings with these books than most others. And I think I know why. It's hard--for me at least--to choose a favorite between Alex and Julian because I think my feelings for them really have very little to do with them but more-so they have to do with Lena. Lena has a very different relationship with each of them and not just because every relationship in life is different but because LENA is very different. By the time she meets Julian she is a very different person than she was when she was with Alex. In a way, Lena is the Alex to Julian's Lena. So when I consider Alex or Julian, I'm really considering which Lena I prefer. Do I like the naive Lena who was just awakening to a whole new world of possibilities, smitten by her first love, drunk on Alex's words and ideas and presence and ready to sacrifice herself to the greater joy of love? Or do I prefer a Lena with fire and strength and fierceness who doesn't need to be saved, but can save instead, who advocates for what she thinks is right, uses her voice to pull others into her world? Lena has gone from fulfilling the passive role to the active. She is emerging throughout "Delirium" and redefining her world but she is still somewhat being directed: Alex teaches her and opens her eyes and she floats along in a happy cloud of deliria, which he has given her. Lena in "Pandemonium" is the one teaching, sharing, rebelling, advocating and giving the deliria to the next person. The active thing she does in both books is love, and powerfully. So for now I have reserved my judgement on Alex or Julian. It's all still too much for me.

I think beyond the fact that there are now two competing relationships for my brain to try to process and choose between, the end really hurts because of the anger. Alex is suddenly there and he seems so bitter--and I don't understand it because as far as we know he has just shown up in their group. So as far as I can imagine he's been fighting to survive for months with the idea that Lena is out there waiting for him...I don't see how he could've known before 24 hours or so ago when he arrived that she had sort of moved on. So why does he seem to be so hardened and bitter so fast? I would've thought his reaction would've been more shocked and hurt. I guess something about his cruel "don't believe her" struck me as wrong. What do you know about it yet, Alex? It hurts me that he is hurt and feels betrayed. It hurts me that I know this is going to KILL Lena because everything she has dreamed of for months is coming true and yet she's crossed a different bridge now, maybe at the cost of burning her bridge with Alex. I just hurt for them all. And I don't want sad, mean, bitter Alex.

I don't even know how "Requiem" will resolve this.

Oh, and from the second a woman grabbed Lena at Salvage I was all "Mother Haloway!" It baffled me that it took Lena so long to catch on...I didn't even need a cheat code!

The End.

Tulips on the table

The thing with this unhappiness is that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe or like I might vomit; like my body is rejecting something. Sometimes I get irrationally angry at people I love because I just want someone to understand what I'm not saying even though it's not their job mind read. And my subconscious dregs up all the past events where I've felt wronged and I lie awake at night battling insomnia and writing letters in my head that I'll never send telling all those who've hurt me what they did to me. It's not a productive exercise, but I don't mean to do it.

But sometimes the good moments take my breath away too. Because it's like "oh, right, there's this in the world." Those are wonderful moments.

I really appreciate the outpouring of support and stories you all shared with me after my last post. It was encouraging to know some of you are out there and you understand, whether you're living it, lived it, or just love me and want to help. This past week actually continued to be a really rough one with a lot of moments of that stupid angry loneliness, but there was also a great deal of good too.

On Wednesday flowers showed up for ME. At WORK. I teared up right there at the front desk. One of my dearest friends Marci sent a bouquet with the note "I remembered number two on your bucket list." (Do you know what number two is?)

I got home to a package from my bestie sister who had bought me this shirt just because it's me and she had to. Don't you love presents for no reason at all?

There were warm emails from friends and really amazing angles of light on the mountains and unseasonably Spring-like weather to carry me through.

I've been drinking hot chocolate with chili powder per "Chocolat" and loving it quite a bit.

I spent a lot of time wishing it was February 10th. Because I want to see "The Vow" and I'm not afraid to admit it.

I read "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. Everyone will tell you this book is heart-breaking and that you should read it. Everyone is right on both accounts. Read it. Be heartbroken.

Today, I continued my weekly recipe project with the help of my bestie roommate J. Gibbs. It was a fun change cooking together. Everything smelled like heaven--and tasted even better. We prepared Burgundy mushrooms and mashed potatoes via the cookbook and then sautéed some asparagus in addition. I have actually never been a fan of mashed potatoes...but I want to bathe in these. I think the key is the cream cheese. I will never go back.

Tomorrow instead of taking my day off I am working for a co-worker who is sick. I don't mind doing it but I can't help but feel that I'm getting undeserved bad karma since it's going to snow and I will have to drive in it--my least favorite thing maybe in the world. Don't I deserve good weather brownie points for working on my day off?

Oh well.

Let's see what this week brings.

Unhappy.

I'm sure it will take no one by surprise if I tell you that I have been very unhappy for quite a while.

I never blog, because I have nothing to say. If I do blog, it's probably about my sister's family because they are one of the few pure joys in my life. I live my life vicariously. I worry it will always be that way. But my own life? There is nothing in it. I work, I come home, I spent 90% of my free time alone. At work I try to pretend it's all on purpose; "what did I do last night? Oh you know I was so tired so I really just wanted to hang out at home...yes, just like the other 6 nights before that. I just LOVE some quality me time." I've never felt that I have much worth as a blogger to begin with (because where is the real interest in a blogger unless she has a fabulous boyfriend/husband, great style and maybe a baby for arm candy?) but I feel particularly worthless now that I can't even pretend to have an interesting life.

Funny that I've decided to blog this.

But I'm not sure if or when I will blog again, so I just wanted to tell you, vague old maybe non-existent you, what's up.

I hate the myth of happiness. I know it's wrong for me to sit around moping about being unhappy and trying to find happiness in fleeting things. I once heard a wonderful sermon in church about how we should be seeking joy, not happiness. Because joy is something we can have even when we are unhappy. Joy is a hope and a faith in the Lord and his goodness that sees us through. We can rejoice in the Lord even when we are low. Happiness is often trivial. We say "Today I ate cake and I'm happy," or "we had a great night at the movies and now I'm happy" or "work was long today so I'm unhappy" etc. I think the continual state of happiness is actually joy and joy can exist whether you're happy or not. Happiness itself is easy come easy go.

So see basically I am lecturing myself because although I know that is true...I am looking for happiness right now. I am looking for joy, too. But right now I just want to not spend 90% of my time answering the question "how do you feel right now?" with "unhappy."

The thing is, whatever unhappiness I am feeling and for whatever reasons feels compounded by the society we live in and the standards that media (blogs, movies, tv) and even friends & family (possibly unwittingly) set for people my age. I am already unhappy and then on top of that I feel doubly unhappy because the world tells me I am doing my twenties wrong. At 23 I am supposed to be surrounded by friends, enjoying girl's nights or dinner parties or other constant social gatherings. I should be dating or have a hunky boyfriend. I should maybe be getting married--I should maybe already be married. I should possibly have a baby! I should be enjoying many social activities, clubs, groups, etc. I should be busy with a career or school and frantically balancing my busy social life with my work/school calendar. I should be exhausted, but invigorated by my perfect young life.

I bet a bunch of you would rush to encourage me here that that's not reality! Most people don't actually have that! Or those that do aren't even half as happy as they pretend! Maybe that's true, but all I know is the world around me actively seeks to uphold the lie. Never will you read a popular blog filled with a girl spending lonely friendless loveless nights eating bars of chocolate on the couch watching "Degrassi" re-runs. Never will you find a youth-geared sitcom or reality show about not going out and living "the life" in your twenties. The characters, and I often consider bloggers practically to be characters and reality actors CERTAINLY are, around us are out there doing and dating and living.

I don't feel like I'm living, not my own life at least.

I don't love my life right now. I don't love not having friends (in the same city/State as me), not having any social life at all or the ability to find one (work schedule) and I don't love being consistently ignored for 23 years by the opposite sex. But I really really hate that when I go on the internet or watch tv I just feel worse about the things I already feel bad about because everything around me says "yeah, this life you're living? you're doing it wrong."

I know, ok? I know.

And I'm tired of the fantasy that there will be a magic fix. I spent too long going "it'll just be this way til..." fill in the blank. Til I graduate. Til I move to Spain. Til I move home. THEN...then I'll have friends, have a boyfriend, have a life. It'd be easy for me to put all my misguided faith into Graduate School, now. "..Til I go to Grad school!" But I'm tired of setting myself up for a let down when that next thing never pans out. I'll be overjoyed if Graduate school, or even before then, is a better more fulfilling time in my life. But I'm not counting on it.

I know what comes next. I know I have to do all that "growing" where you realize that happiness (joy!) can be found in so many little things. But see, I resent that right now because I already KNOW that. If you only knew the things I make myself feel overjoyed about just as a way to hold on...you'd be impressed. I actually have the ability to turn cleaning the kitchen to a great Pandora mix into a source of joy for an entire day. But I'm just so so so tired of having to stretch my imagination to cheer myself up. "No, you REALLY WANT to be alone again tonight....now you can do some extra reading and go to be early."

Tonight: I bought myself expensive chocolates which I will pair with rich hot cocoa while I curl up and watch "Chocolat" in my bed. I will reminisce about my best friend and the trip we took to Switzerland and how we bought delicious Suisse chocolates and went back to the hostel early and all crowded onto one bunk to watch "Chocolat" on Katherine's tiny macbook. It was perfection. I'll pretend tonight is too. And maybe it will be.

And there it is, me being very very (probably too) honest. This is my life right now.