The 'F' Word

This is a topic that has been on my mind and my heart a lot lately. I worry what reaction my opinions will meet, but this is my blog, and I have a great desire to express my feelings on this issue. I have literally wanted to write this post for a year.

I am not necessarily a feminist.

I am a very big post-feminist.

Did you know there was a difference? Some of you might not have.

I want to begin this post with a brief history of the feminist movement so that maybe you can understand the evolution and where my point of view comes from. If you already know the difference between the 3 waves, please skip, but if you thought “feminism” had only one connotation and definition, I would urge you to read this:

The feminist movement is actually divided into three specific parts. First wave feminism was the era where women first began to take a stand for their rights, beginning as early as the 18th century. Think Mary Wollstonecraft. Think suffrage (the right to vote). Think Susan B. Anthony. Second wave feminism is probably what most people think of when they think of feminism, particularly when people wish to paint it in a negative light. I’m not arguing whether second wave feminism is “right” or not, but let me try to give some of the facts. Second wave feminists did take a radical approach. While first wave feminists focused on legal issues, the second wave focused more on social issues of inequality. They believed that the only way to gain respect from men, their own rights and equality was to shed feminine habits and prove their equality by matching men. You might be thinking bra-burning, man-hating. This isn’t entirely correct, but it isn’t entirely wrong either. The nature of second wave feminism was to group together with other women in solidarity—think “Ya Ya Sisterhood,” think “Sex and the City.” Finally, we have third wave feminism which began in the nineties and is alternately referred to as post-feminism. After the radical movement of the 60s/70s/80s feminism, the next generation of women rebelled against that seemingly abrasive form of feminism. Third wave feminism is more about each woman being empowered on her own, and more importantly, being able to do absolutely anything she wants to. Before I realized there was such a thing as post-feminism, this is exactly how I would try to describe my own feelings to people---I believed in women being able to do anything, whether it be stay home and raise kids or go be a high powered lawyer. Post-feminists also shunned the idea that you had to act like a man to have equality…aka you can dress like a girl if that’s what you want. Now, think “Legally Blonde,” “You’ve Got Mail,” etc.

Let me be the fist to disclaim that this is an incomplete picture and also that I am only summarizing based on my own knowledge gained from various college classes. I did not re-research the topic to write this post or consult the technical definitions. I’m putting it all in my own layman’s terms.

What distresses me greatly is how many intelligent and wonderful women I have met in my life who use the word “feminist” like a curse word. They hastily disassociate themselves and their opinions from being feminist. To some extent, I get it. I think it is because of the idea that some people have that there is ONE type of feminism, the extreme (the second wave, will you) and I don’t agree with that, either. However, I truly don’t understand how any woman in 2010 can NOT be a feminist to some extent, even if they are a post-feminist. I can’t help but believe it comes from a misunderstanding of what feminism means. Let me tell you about myself:

I am a post-feminist. Someday, I would love to be able to stay home and raise kids. I don’t think chivalry is dead and I hope someday my husband opens doors for me. I have pretty traditional values, although I am politically liberal. I love to cook and bake and would be happy to do so for my family. I love to dress in vintage clothes. I love skirts and dresses and lipstick and hats and tights. I am girly. Being a feminist (or post feminist) does not mean you have to be stronger than a man, or do a certain job, or not live for your kids and family if that’s what you want.

However, I find it completely unacceptable that in 2010 a woman can do the exact same job as a man and get paid less. Or that sexual harassment still slides by under the radar. I understand the arguments that women are not the same as men and that we each have different strengths that compliment each other—I agree with this, I like this. However, I find that often times the defense of being anti-feminism is sugar coated. The harsh reality is this: What if you were married with kids and, God forbid, something happened to your husband and you had to work to support the family….what if that happened, and you couldn’t be paid as much as your husband was for doing the same job? Would you be against the continued fight for women’s rights then? What if you were molested or raped and because of your sex and what you chose to wear (a privilege feminism gave you, by the way) that day, the crime was dismissed?—the U.S. has made great strides on this issue, but did you know in Australia a rapist wasn’t convicted because his victim wore skinny jeans? (The defense was that she had to have helped him take her pants off.) These are the kinds of intense issues feminists are still dealing with. Feminism does not mean you have to wear pants or hate men or go to work if you’d rather be home. Feminism means wanting safety and the freedom to choose and only the best for yourself and your daughters, sisters, and friends.

I also don’t think many anti-feminists realize how much their own lives are actually affected by feminists of the past. Even the women who feel the most traditional are probably benefiting in ways they don’t readily recognize. If you have ever gone out with friends without a man’s permission (this is different than running it past him to be polite, I mean real permission), if you occasionally like to wear jeans, if you went to college, if you pick out your books, movies and music without a man’s approval, if you have a blog, if you have ever held any type of job, if you drive, if you can openly discuss “hot” men, you have been affected positively by the women’s rights movement and if you want to continue having and doing all of these things, you’re probably partially a feminist.

My mission here isn’t to make any non-feminists change their mind. I can’t do that, and I believe we are all free to have our own opinions. I just hope that more people can understand exactly what their dismissing when they throw feminism under the bus as a negative thing, when they spit it out like a curse word. I want women to understand that if they feel at all strengthened as a woman by whatever life they live, they might just be a post-feminist after all.