Tulips on the table

The thing with this unhappiness is that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe or like I might vomit; like my body is rejecting something. Sometimes I get irrationally angry at people I love because I just want someone to understand what I'm not saying even though it's not their job mind read. And my subconscious dregs up all the past events where I've felt wronged and I lie awake at night battling insomnia and writing letters in my head that I'll never send telling all those who've hurt me what they did to me. It's not a productive exercise, but I don't mean to do it.

But sometimes the good moments take my breath away too. Because it's like "oh, right, there's this in the world." Those are wonderful moments.

I really appreciate the outpouring of support and stories you all shared with me after my last post. It was encouraging to know some of you are out there and you understand, whether you're living it, lived it, or just love me and want to help. This past week actually continued to be a really rough one with a lot of moments of that stupid angry loneliness, but there was also a great deal of good too.

On Wednesday flowers showed up for ME. At WORK. I teared up right there at the front desk. One of my dearest friends Marci sent a bouquet with the note "I remembered number two on your bucket list." (Do you know what number two is?)

I got home to a package from my bestie sister who had bought me this shirt just because it's me and she had to. Don't you love presents for no reason at all?

There were warm emails from friends and really amazing angles of light on the mountains and unseasonably Spring-like weather to carry me through.

I've been drinking hot chocolate with chili powder per "Chocolat" and loving it quite a bit.

I spent a lot of time wishing it was February 10th. Because I want to see "The Vow" and I'm not afraid to admit it.

I read "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. Everyone will tell you this book is heart-breaking and that you should read it. Everyone is right on both accounts. Read it. Be heartbroken.

Today, I continued my weekly recipe project with the help of my bestie roommate J. Gibbs. It was a fun change cooking together. Everything smelled like heaven--and tasted even better. We prepared Burgundy mushrooms and mashed potatoes via the cookbook and then sautéed some asparagus in addition. I have actually never been a fan of mashed potatoes...but I want to bathe in these. I think the key is the cream cheese. I will never go back.

Tomorrow instead of taking my day off I am working for a co-worker who is sick. I don't mind doing it but I can't help but feel that I'm getting undeserved bad karma since it's going to snow and I will have to drive in it--my least favorite thing maybe in the world. Don't I deserve good weather brownie points for working on my day off?

Oh well.

Let's see what this week brings.