I'm sure it will take no one by surprise if I tell you that I have been very unhappy for quite a while.
I never blog, because I have nothing to say. If I do blog, it's probably about my sister's family because they are one of the few pure joys in my life. I live my life vicariously. I worry it will always be that way. But my own life? There is nothing in it. I work, I come home, I spent 90% of my free time alone. At work I try to pretend it's all on purpose; "what did I do last night? Oh you know I was so tired so I really just wanted to hang out at home...yes, just like the other 6 nights before that. I just LOVE some quality me time." I've never felt that I have much worth as a blogger to begin with (because where is the real interest in a blogger unless she has a fabulous boyfriend/husband, great style and maybe a baby for arm candy?) but I feel particularly worthless now that I can't even pretend to have an interesting life.
Funny that I've decided to blog this.
But I'm not sure if or when I will blog again, so I just wanted to tell you, vague old maybe non-existent you, what's up.
I hate the myth of happiness. I know it's wrong for me to sit around moping about being unhappy and trying to find happiness in fleeting things. I once heard a wonderful sermon in church about how we should be seeking joy, not happiness. Because joy is something we can have even when we are unhappy. Joy is a hope and a faith in the Lord and his goodness that sees us through. We can rejoice in the Lord even when we are low. Happiness is often trivial. We say "Today I ate cake and I'm happy," or "we had a great night at the movies and now I'm happy" or "work was long today so I'm unhappy" etc. I think the continual state of happiness is actually joy and joy can exist whether you're happy or not. Happiness itself is easy come easy go.
So see basically I am lecturing myself because although I know that is true...I am looking for happiness right now. I am looking for joy, too. But right now I just want to not spend 90% of my time answering the question "how do you feel right now?" with "unhappy."
The thing is, whatever unhappiness I am feeling and for whatever reasons feels compounded by the society we live in and the standards that media (blogs, movies, tv) and even friends & family (possibly unwittingly) set for people my age. I am already unhappy and then on top of that I feel doubly unhappy because the world tells me I am doing my twenties wrong. At 23 I am supposed to be surrounded by friends, enjoying girl's nights or dinner parties or other constant social gatherings. I should be dating or have a hunky boyfriend. I should maybe be getting married--I should maybe already be married. I should possibly have a baby! I should be enjoying many social activities, clubs, groups, etc. I should be busy with a career or school and frantically balancing my busy social life with my work/school calendar. I should be exhausted, but invigorated by my perfect young life.
I bet a bunch of you would rush to encourage me here that that's not reality! Most people don't actually have that! Or those that do aren't even half as happy as they pretend! Maybe that's true, but all I know is the world around me actively seeks to uphold the lie. Never will you read a popular blog filled with a girl spending lonely friendless loveless nights eating bars of chocolate on the couch watching "Degrassi" re-runs. Never will you find a youth-geared sitcom or reality show about not going out and living "the life" in your twenties. The characters, and I often consider bloggers practically to be characters and reality actors CERTAINLY are, around us are out there doing and dating and living.
I don't feel like I'm living, not my own life at least.
I don't love my life right now. I don't love not having friends (in the same city/State as me), not having any social life at all or the ability to find one (work schedule) and I don't love being consistently ignored for 23 years by the opposite sex. But I really really hate that when I go on the internet or watch tv I just feel worse about the things I already feel bad about because everything around me says "yeah, this life you're living? you're doing it wrong."
I know, ok? I know.
And I'm tired of the fantasy that there will be a magic fix. I spent too long going "it'll just be this way til..." fill in the blank. Til I graduate. Til I move to Spain. Til I move home. THEN...then I'll have friends, have a boyfriend, have a life. It'd be easy for me to put all my misguided faith into Graduate School, now. "..Til I go to Grad school!" But I'm tired of setting myself up for a let down when that next thing never pans out. I'll be overjoyed if Graduate school, or even before then, is a better more fulfilling time in my life. But I'm not counting on it.
I know what comes next. I know I have to do all that "growing" where you realize that happiness (joy!) can be found in so many little things. But see, I resent that right now because I already KNOW that. If you only knew the things I make myself feel overjoyed about just as a way to hold on...you'd be impressed. I actually have the ability to turn cleaning the kitchen to a great Pandora mix into a source of joy for an entire day. But I'm just so so so tired of having to stretch my imagination to cheer myself up. "No, you REALLY WANT to be alone again tonight....now you can do some extra reading and go to be early."
Tonight: I bought myself expensive chocolates which I will pair with rich hot cocoa while I curl up and watch "Chocolat" in my bed. I will reminisce about my best friend and the trip we took to Switzerland and how we bought delicious Suisse chocolates and went back to the hostel early and all crowded onto one bunk to watch "Chocolat" on Katherine's tiny macbook. It was perfection. I'll pretend tonight is too. And maybe it will be.
And there it is, me being very very (probably too) honest. This is my life right now.
The Voice I Trust
2 weeks ago
14 comments:
I'm not sure I can offer much more than an "I know how you feel," but well, I do, I think. I also just know that it has to get better. *hugs*
I know you don't want conforting words, or maybe yes, but I understand that the world creates a perfect image of what life should be and then you're a freak if you're not in? I felt the same for a long time, still fell out many times.
Being sad is ok, trying to find the joy everyday is better.
If you need to "hang out" virtually, just tell me, although I also understand I may be a bit stressing pain.
I kinda feel like we are the same person. Maybe I'm not in as big as a slump you have because I do have a boyfriend, but he is literally the only person I do have and I can't even imagine how lonely I would be without him. I still am lonely even with him sometimes because I have no girl friends. I totally agree what you said about how none of the popular bloggers being "ugly ducklings" and not having social lives, etc etc. I also know what you mean when you say you put off making friends until "_________" because I SO do that too. Just to make myself feel better. I don't really have any advice because I'm a loser myself, and even if I did I'm sure you wouldn't want to hear it. Just try to wade through the muck that is this part of your life and know that eventually it will get better, even if just by a little.
xo,
jessie
Oh, honey. I'm almost 33 and have been saying, "Things will just get better after..." my whole dang life. I used to always feel so behind everyone. Like I was the last to get married, own a home, have a baby, etc. And NOW that I have all those things, I'm wondering why I thought the grass was greener. NOT that I don't love being a wife and mom and home owner, but it didn't solve all of my problems (And my blogging has definitely not gotten more interesting since those things happened, trust me). Getting what I wanted certainly didn't make me happy all of the sudden.
I also think that happiness is a farce. We are to find joy in Christ. How we do that is still a mystery to me in this day and age. To be honest, I'm a little jealous of your free time. I would kill to have 10% of the alone time that you do, but I know that doesn't help you for me to say that. And I'm not going to placate you with meaningless words and tell you it will get better, because, well, I'm still trying to find joy too.
Making a list of blessings DOES help. I don't know if you've read "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp but it's a good start (I don't LOVE her writing, it's pretty fluffy, and she has some weird ideas in the last chapter, but maybe just check out her website to get inspired).
Thank you for being real. I get so tired of fake blogs so this was refreshing.
i love you.
and we do need to talk soon.
Thanks for your honesty Kate. I definitely understand what you're going through. I feel the same way a lot. It's tough, but know you're not the only one who feels this way.
Wow, I could have written this post myself just a few years ago.
Note: before I go on, I’ve been reading your blog for a few years on and off due to that social invention called facebook where you can follow the life of people you knew long ago from the past. Your writing and stories have been intriguing which is why I’ve followed your blogging for a while (also, your family had an impact on me as a kid being across the street neighbors when I was best friends with your sister in grade school. It’s nice to read updates on how you and your family are doing) I’ve always been an anonymous reader checking in every so often, but your latest post encouraged me to say something - something I rarely do with any sort of social network.
When I was 22/23 years old. I was in a very similar position to you now. I felt I wasn’t living up to the expectations of what I should in my twenties. I was back living in my hometown, going back to college, had broken social life, and never really dated the opposite sex. I was incredibly unhappy. I sheepishly admit I didn’t have my first kiss until I was about 6 weeks shy of my 23rd birthday. (by the way, I found online dating is a wonderful place for girls who aren’t too experienced in the dating world). I started to add things I thought people in their twenties should have: a boyfriend, a career in my field, move away from family to stake my own life, my own apartment, etc, etc. However, I was still unhappy. I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong. Why didn’t I have a social circle? Why was I dumped? Why did I dislike my job I worked so hard for? Why did I feel so alone?
But you know what? Happiness crept up on me and hit me square on the face one day not too long ago. I had decided to make a major change, knowing very well I could be even more unhappy and yearn for what I left behind. I was a risk I felt I had to take. I decided to move back to my hometown I had so rashly left. I changed my job and moved closer to family. I started to seriously date someone new who has turned out to be amazing (again…online dating ftw), relit old friendships I neglected back home, and dove into my new job. I somehow found myself happy – surprisingly even smack in the middle of some horrible events that had happened to my family.
Why am I sharing this? I want you to know that happiness really can creep up on you and can be found in places you never really expected them to be and even at times you least expect. Hang in there, I have been where you are and things will get better!
I'm in the same boat. My favorite is when I'm working on a Friday or Saturday night and a customer says something like.. "Well it sucks that you're working on a Friday night! Haha." And all I can think is.. "Yeah, if I wasn't working I'd be curled up in bed watching Netflix, so no loss." I like to think it's by choice but in reality I know it's because I have no friends. And a boyfriend who left me in the dust while he goes on his big life adventure. Ha. I guess it's the time for feeling particularly sad about our lives. Anyway, I love you and you've always been an amazing friend to me. Boys don't know what they're missing. And.. I swear I'm not just saying that to be nice. They really don't know what they're missing in you.
Heh, and here is the reason I blog about pop culture. Girl, I feel ya.
Well, hi. I don't think I've ever commented here, but I felt compelled to say something in response to your brave honesty and expression of feelings I really understand.
I hope, in some small way, the fact that others (those who know you personally as well as strangers like me) are coming here saying to you I'VE FELT THIS TOO makes you feel a little bit less alone. Life can sometimes seem like nothing but a whole bunch of "should"s that we can't logic ourselves out of and nights of being alone [insert activity here...mine is watching Netflix in the dark and consuming calories I'll feel guilty about later] and torturing ourselves for missing out on that happiness that we've been conditioned to believe is just outside our window, somehow unaccessible only to us. I don't have the answer, except that when you're watching "Degrassi" re-runs instead of feeling alone, you can know that there are others out there doing something similar. And one of them just might be the boy who ends up being your living breathing proof that sometimes the truth of the phrase "this too shall pass" just takes a while to find its way to our doorsteps.
♥ LW
Kate,
I really don't have anything to say, other than I get it. And, can I just say that I giggled outloud when you mentioned Degrassi reruns. You know I'm here whenever you need to chat. Maybe we should skype sometime...when that unhappiness gets a little too much to handle. Big internet hugs are being sent your way. <3
i just came accross your blog, and i am sorry to hear you are unhappy. i know how it feels to be unhappy, and to struggle to find joy and happiness. but i do know that as you search for it and try to find peace and joy in the simple things it will come. when we think of others it comes especially. at least, thats what helps me the most. i hope you find it. loves to you my dear.
Sending love your way Kate :)
I can't even....This sums up EXACTLY how I have felt for the last 7-10 years of my life. I, too, am only 23, but my lack of "life" makes me feel so much older. I constantly dread time passing because it means, "well, I'm 23, still no boyfriend," or "well, I'm 23, and I hardly have any friends, so I never go out and have fun," or "well, I'm nearing 24, shouldn't I be happier by now? Close to getting married?" It's so depressing. It makes it even worse when I look at facebook at all the people that I graduated with who are a) getting married, b) getting pregnant, c) traveling, d) going out and having fun with other people, e) getting great jobs/graduating. The list goes on. I keep telling myself, "as soon as this happens, you'll be happier." Only I'm not happy. Hardly ever. I find small moments of happiness, yes, but they're fleeting. I want something that lasts.
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